Label / Cat. No: EMI DUO130
First Released: This Compilation 1981

What The Album Blurb Says…

HARRY MORTIMER’S name is synonymous with brass bands. He is the outstanding figure of the brass band world and surely its most devoted servant. Universally known as “the man of brass”.

His long career as soloist, teacher, adjudicator, administrator and conductor is one of the outstanding chapters in the story of brass band music in our time.

They start young in the brass band movement and Harry Mortimer’s career began at the tender age of eight when he learned to play the cornet in the Yorkshire town of Hebden Bridge where his father, the redoubtable Fred Mortimer, was the conductor of the local band.

He won his first medal at the age of 9 and soon became recognised as something of an infant prodigy on the cornet, collecting, so it is said, some 350 medals and cups before he reached his teens.

He was only 14 when he became the conductor of a junior band, leading them to the 3rd prize in a local contest at his first entry into the competition field.

When the family moved south to Luton, Harry found himself playing in the Luton Red Cross Band of which his father had just become conductor. As a very small boy he played with them in the national brass band championship and made up for his lack of inches by standing on a ginger beer box! Later he was to become the band’s solo cornet.

it was at Luton that the young Harry Mortimer, while still a schoolboy, had his first experience of another side of the world of music…playing in the orchestra of the local theatre.

In 1924 Harry joined the ranks of Foden’s Motor Works Band as solo cornet when his father took over the direction of that already noted band whose name he was to make world famous. He stayed with Foden’s until 1942.

The opening of “the Mortimer years” at Foden’s marked the beginning of a new era in brass band history and technique. It also marked the effective opening of Harry Mortimer’s long and distinguished career in the world of music and that of the brass band in particular. What had gone before had been but prelude to his later career and achievements.

It was then that he began to gain experience in a wider sphere of music making. For some years he led a “double life” playing in both brass bands and symphony orchestras. He was principal trumpet of the Halle and Royal Liverpool Philharmonic Orchestras from 1930 to 1941, holding a similar position for some years with the B.B.C. Northern Orchestra, and somehow contriving to find time to fill the position of Professor of Trumpet at the Royal Manchester College of Music from 1936 to 1940.

Further opportunities presented themselves when, in 1942, he joined the B.B.C. as brass and military band supervisor, a post which he held until his retirement from the B.B.C. some twenty years later.

It was a period in which, thanks to Harry’s drive and flair, brass and military band music acquired a new significance in broadcasting programmes, coupled with a great increase in the weekly output of band broadcasts. As someone said at the time Harry Mortimer achieved more for the band movement in ten years than others had contrived throughout the history of broadcasting.

It was then that he sought to forge links between the world of brass bands and “the musical establishment”, attracting the interest of conductors like Sir Malcolm Sargent and Sir Adrian Boult and of composers like Granville Bantock and Sir Arthur Bliss. Some notable original compositions resulted.

During those years at the B.B.C. Harry Mortimer began to organise concerts by massed bands, brass orchestras in effect, which were the forerunners of his celebrated “Men O’Brass”, securing the interest and co-operation of celebrated conductors amongst them Boult, Sargent and Wood.

He also embarked upon a further and brilliantly successful phase of his career at that time as a conductor in the highly competitive sphere of brass band contests. In this he was destined to surpass even his father’s remarkable earlier achievement, securing no less than nine victories in the National Band Championship at the Royal Albert Hall and another nine victories in the famous Open British Band Championship at Belle Vue, Manchester.

Crowned with success he gave up contesting in 1956 and went off to Australia as Adjudicator of an important series of brass band contests there.

Speaking of his decision to retire from the field of brass band contests he once said “it was rather like being a jockey with five horses”. He still continued until 1970 as Musical Director of the Fairey Band which he had led to so many successes and continues his direction of the Morris Concert Band which he has now conducted since its inception more than 30 years ago.

In the post war years Harry Mortiner (sic) emerged as a national figure, rewarded with the O.B.E. for his services to music and acclaimed for his success as a conductor, in the concert hall, on records or in broadcast brass band programmes and in particular for his direction of that most successful band combination, the “Men O’Brass”.

Behind the skill and the flair which mark his performances lies the evidence of years of experience, the autumnal flowering of musicianship and of artistic experiences gleaned in during early days in the band room, on the concert platform and at the feet of some of the world’s most famous conductors.

“I shall never retire,” Harry Mortimer once said and today, as he nears his eightieth year, he is still active, conducting, recording, broadcasting; prominent in administrative problems of the brass band world fulfilling a busy round of engagements here or abroad with time in seemingly ineffectual pursuit. Long may he continue.

HARRY MORTIMER – CORNET VIRTUOSO

Harry Mortimer’s almost legendary reputation as a virtuoso performer upon the cornet rests not simply upon his surpassing technique but also upon the distinctive quality of singing tone which he commanded and the sensitivity and artistry which marked his playing. His influence was widely felt and extended into the playing of a new generation of performers.

The quality of his tone excited critical comment, sometimes from critics who made no secret of their lack of interest in the brass band and its music but were quick to recognise the unique quality of tone and expression which he brought to solos and solo passages alike.

“Harry does not play, he sings! We hear sometimes of persons making an instrument talk, that is just what Harry does”, a critic of much experience asserted.

While a respected Northern critic wrote – “Harry Mortimer playing the solo with a beauty and steadiness of tone which most singers might envy” and another performance drew the comment “then there was Mr Harry Mortimer performing incredible feats of agility in “Il Bacio”, a coloratura soprano song which no coloratura soprano sings with such smoothness, brilliance or firmness of tone and accuracy of intonation”, adding “she may give us one or even two of these qualities but not all four at once!”

Harry’s playing, captured in all its brilliance and beguiling tone quality on EMI records, is recalled for us in an historical sequence of performances of justly famous cornet solos on the two sides of the first of the two records in this album.

If there really are only six cornet solos as someone once facetiously suggested (an opinion calculated to provoke discussion in band room or bar) then the half-dozen indisputable classic solos for the cornet must surely appear amongst the near definitive performance on this record of original pieces or arrangements which every aspiring cornet soloist must command.

ALPINE ECHOES by Basil Windsor (pseudonym of Eli Smith, music teacher and a noted figure in band circles in the North) with Harry using his echo cornet adding to the effects of an incredibly taxing but colourful piece.

Thomas Lear’s brilliant SHYLOCK with its polka rhythm and Percy Code’s ZELDA together with one of the earliest of the enduring classics for the cornet in HAILSTORM by William Rimmer, one of the key figures in brass band history and friend and mentor of Harry Mortimer as he was of Harry’s father. Its effect upon an audience at the hands of an accomplished performer is easily predictable, the result certain. “What’s the encore, Charlie?”, asked a once famous player before rising to perform “Hailstorm”.

No less irresistible in its seemingly timeless appeal is Arditi’s evergreen IL BACIO in Arban’s effective arrangement. Another attractive arrangement of a familiar melody is that by Henry Gheel of RICHMOND HILL, one of the earliest recordings in this collection which has, unusually, an accompaniment by a recording studio orchestra.

Cornet duets have always featured in brass band programmes and Harry is joined by Jack Mackintosh, a noted contemporary of his early days. in MAC AND MORT which Harry composed for the duo to play, and the well loved THE SWALLOW’S SERENADE.

The second side of the record contains two further examples of Harry Mortimer’s versatility in the strains of the post horn heard in the course of a Hunting Medley played by Foden’s Band and, of more artistic significance, an impressive performance of the solo role in Haydn’s TRUMPET CONCERTO in E flat with the Philharmonia Orchestra conducted by the late George Weldon. The record also provides a fascinating reminder of the unique quality of tone, clarity of detail and the wonderful ensemble, rich in individual talent, which characterised the playing of Foden’s Band in its heyday under Fred Mortimer.

HARRY MORTIMER – CONDUCTOR

Harry Mortimer’s transition from instrumentalist to conductor was possibly less a conscious decision than a gradual and inevitable progress.

It began with those ‘prentice efforts as a teenager conducting a junior band and continued throughout the years of his brilliant career as a soloist. His services were always in demand by ambitious or struggling bands anxiously seeking specialist training or a “polish” upon their performance of a test piece for some local contest.

Further experience came in his role as Bandmaster of Foden’s, occasionally deputising for his father.

When he finally relinquished the cornet for the baton he was superbly equipped by training and experience for his new role.

His unequalled succession of contest successes with famous bands, like Black Dyke, Fairey and others, proclaimed his mastery of the medium.

To his undoubted flair as a conductor, his authority and wide musicianship which no doubt owed something to his orchestral experiences, was added that indefinable “star quality” which had always been apparent in his performances as a soloist.

His career was soon to take a new course with his promotion and direction of an expanding series of massed band concerts.

It arose from his recognition that a wider range of music and higher standards of presentation were necessary if the brass band movement was to meet the challenge presented by the great changes which had come about in public entertainment in the early post war years and in particular the growth of competition from radio and television.

His experience in the organisation and direction of performances by massed bands for broadcasting or public concerts in the later years of the war and early post war years, often featuring guest conductors of distinction, convinced him of the possibility as an entertainment medium of such a combination.

In 1952 he launched the now celebrated ALL-STAR BRASS some 50 strong with personnel specially chosen from the principal brass bands in this country. It was an immediate success. It was in a effect (sic) a “brass orchestra” of highly talented instrumentalists, intensively rehearsed by Harry Mortimer and utilising a number of specially commissioned arrangements.

It was featured in a notable series of EMI records and a taste of the superb quality of the band is provided by their performance of the suite KENILWORTH by Sir Arthur Bliss, one of the classics of brass band literature, recorded in 1960 which appears on side 2 of the second record of this album.

Practical considerations precluded an expansion of the concert activities of the ALL-STAR BRASS, and to meet the demand which had arisen from concert promoters and audiences alike Harry Mortimer established the famous MEN O’BRASS with the combined bands of Fairey, Foden’s and Morris Motors who, with occasional variations in the combination, achieved a wide popularity on the concert platform and on records in the years that followed their inaugural appearance in 1953.

A representative selection of recordings made by MEN O’BRASS and other massed band combinations directed by Harry Mortimer featured in the second record provides an impressive demonstration of the unsurpassable brilliance of the playing and the wide range of sonorities lavished upon music stirring, solemn or beguiling, from the OPENING FANFARE by George Hespe which Men O’Brass, adopted as their signature tune for recording and broadcasting, to the crescendo of excitement provided by the GALOP & FINALE from the WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE.

Amongst the wide range of music featured is arresting sound of BLAZON with Gilbert Vinter’s highly original writing for brass in this musical evocation of the sound of Biblical trumpets as prelude to his cantata for brass and voices. Wagner’s RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES acquires added power in the arrangement for brass bands, and the precision and phrasing which marks the performance of Rossini’s BARBER OF SEVILLE OVERTURE is contrasted by the refinement of tone and expression brought to MacDowell’s TO A WIDE ROSE and Grieg’s elegiac SPRING, while Bach’s JESU JOY OF MAN’S DESIRING in which the bands are joined by the organ splendidly captures the devotional atmosphere of a great Cathedral.

A taste of the quality of some of the soloists of the bands is provided by the performance by PHILIP McCANN, then with the Fairey Band of the well known solo JENNY WREN and that by GWYN DAVIES of the Morris Band of the popular “THE SHEPHERD’S SONG”.

This unique compilation of EMI recordings will provide a lasting reminder of the achievements of Harry Mortimer as the outstanding cornet and trumpet soloist of his generation and pre-eminent conductor of some of the famous bands with which he has been associated during his long and distinguished career of service to music and the brass band movement.

Jack Oliver

Harry Mortimer On Brass published by Alphabooks, Sherborne, Dorset.

What I Say

I think we need to talk about the blurb for a bit. Did you read all of it? No? I’m not surprised. Bit much really. I think it’s fair to say that the author, Jack Oliver was given a brief to fill out the inner sleeve of a gatefold album, and he has done so. However, apart from the tedious repetition of how great Harry was and how fantastic the EMI recordings of his work are, one thing becomes painfully obvious. As we go on and on, the grammar becomes more and more tortured. Allow me to give you an example from the final quarter of the blurb:-

It was featured in a notable series of EMI records and a taste of the superb quality of the band is provided by their performance of the suite KENILWORTH by Sir Arthur Bliss, one of the classics of brass band literature, recorded in 1960 which appears on side 2 of the second record of this album.

I suspect that the deadline came round a bit quick for Mr Oliver, and he found himself the night before, hunched over his typewriter, desperate to fill the blank page before him. It started well enough, but as the night wore on, and our Jack started to tire, the language got more and more tortured.

But, bless him, he managed it, and he even used the UNEXPECTED CAPITALS trick that I’m so fond of. It works particularly well when confronted with things like “ALL-STAR BRASS”, making it seem exotic, exciting and mysterious…!

But we can easily sum up this massive amount of blurb in the following way.

Harry Mortimer played the cornet. He started playing in his Dad’s band, and continued to play in his Dad’s band in an example of crass nepotism. He could hold a tune, better than most, and played in both brass bands and orchestras. He kept busy, had a job with the BBC for a while, and helped to popularise brass band music in the post war years. He organised the odd extravaganza like “MEN O’BRASS” where his maxim was clearly more is more, and he chucked together all the bands he worked with so that there was a big crowd of blokes playing brass instruments instead of a small crowd. Here are some recordings. They were made by EMI. Enjoy. Oh, and he also did a bit of conducting on the side.

See. That wasn’t too hard was it. But no, instead we had to have Jack Bloody Oliver going on and on about ‘Harry Mortimer’ always bloody ‘Harry Mortimer’, never just Harry, or Mr Mortimer, or even Hazza. No. I shan’t let it get to me. But really…

So, where was I? Oh yes, Brass Band music. It seems, as it goes, Harry Mortimer was a bit of a fan, and that’s fair enough. But I’m not. I’m afraid I was put off by my next door neighbour, James Hearn. When we were children, he would practise his bloody trumpet every Saturday morning, without fail, starting at 9 o’clock and going on for a couple of hours. Yes, exactly. Prime Tiswas time, ruined by a trumpet. To be fair, it wasn’t his fault, and he was very good at it (or at least, he became very good at it, though not as good as Hazza, of course…), but that put me off brass as a whole.

Therefore, I’m not really in a very good position to tell you whether this is a good brass album or not. It certainly seems very… professional. There’s lots of brass, a few tunes we know, and plenty we don’t. So I’m going to have to take the middle ground here and just say it’s OK.

And what have we learnt?

Well….. firstly, that Brass Bands all appear to have double entendre names like ‘Black Dyke’ and ‘Fairey’.

Secondly, there is (or at least was) a whole thriving brass band community, one that probably was damaged irrevocably by the closure of the mines in the 80s. Which reminds me – if anyone out there hasn’t seen Brassed Off, they probably should.

Thirdly, there was a composer called ‘Granville Bantock’. I wish I’d called my child Granville Bantock. I promise that if I ever get a dog, that’s what I shall call it. And he was a fine looking fellow too. Proper beard – the works…

Fourthly, you can go a long way if your Dad’s leader of the band.

And finally, Harry Mortimer, the ‘Man Of Brass’ himself does indeed look like a cleaned up version of Father Jack Hackett

Oh, and of course, I couldn’t leave an entry on Brass Bands without this now, could I….?

Tracks

Side 1

1. Overture: ZAMPA
2. MAC AND MORT
3. RICHMOND HILL
4. Polka Brillante: SHYLOCK
5. ALPINE ECHOES
6. IL BACIO
7. CHAMPION MEDLEY MARCH No. 3

Side 2

1. TRUMPET CONCERTO IN E FLAT
2. ZELDA
3. HAILSTORM
4. THE SWALLOWS SERENADE
5. A HUNTING MEDLEY

Side 3

1. OPENING FANFARE
2. THE THREE TRUMPETERS
3. Suite: KENILWORTH
4. JENNY WREN
5. THE SHEPHERD’S SONG
6. THE LOST CHORD
7. RADETSKY MARCH

Side 4

1. BLAZON
2. RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES
3. TO A WILD ROSE
4. Overture: THE BARBER OF SEVILLE
5. SPRING (Elegiac Melody No. 2)
6. JESU, JOY OF MAN’S DESIRING (from Cantata No. 147)
7. GALOP AND FINALE (from the William Tell Overture)

Final score:

5 out of 10

Label / Cat. No: Columbia PCC-80105
First Released: 1985

What The Album Blurb Says…

None. Boo! But, but…. when reading through the lyric sheet, I came across this gem…

“Are we alone? Erich Von Daniken asked us to believe the temples and pyramids are proof that earth was visited in its embryonic stage by an ancient intelligence.

In writing the lyrics for the interconnecting songs on ‘Alien Shores’, I was inspired by the thoughts of unexplained mysteries of our past, which may never be answered. But Hungry Eyes will perpetually seek the truth.

What I Say

This album has purged me of my guilt. You see, in 1993 I bought a pair of slacks from a gentlemen’s outfitters in Albert Road, Morecambe. I believe the colour was described as ’stone’, and I wore those stone slacks. Often.

With hindsight, I had tortured myself in the knowledge that they were the worst pair of trousers I had ever bought, and probably the worst pair of trousers in the world ever. Yes, they reall were that bad. But then, oh happy day, I slipped the inner sleeve out of this album, and what did I find? This…

Those really are the worst slacks ever to have been created. And not just one pair of bad slacks, but FOUR! That’s a 100% hit rate for the Platinum Blondes. Combined with those four nasty white jackets, we have the perfect snapshot of 1985. I believe this photo should be kept in an archive somewhere as an important historical document. And of course to serve as a warning to future generations.

And try as I might, I can’t not speak about the hair. Back-combed, sprayed, bleached, coiffed, and… wonder of wonders, the bloke on the right has one of the best expressions of the mullet that I have ever seen. This is a man at the top of his hair game, and yet he looks the most uncomfortable of the four. Somehow his face just wasn’t made for those times. Oh….. and is there a hint of black eye-liner there…. Marvellous.

As far as I can tell, with no research whatsoever, Canada has produced only 3 notable musical talents that have become known outside their country. And considering that two of those are Bryan Adams and Celine Dion, you’d think they’d learn to keep their music to themselves. (For information, the third is Barenaked Ladies, for whom I maintain a soft spot). But in the mid-eighties, it seems that Canada was at the forefront of pop music. Platinum Blonde have got everything needed to be a pop sensation in 1985. They’ve got the clothes and the hair, they have the ability to pose and to brood under their floppy fringes. They even have perfectly competent 80s style pop songs, so why oh why weren’t they massive.

Well, they were. Really. This album went quintuple platinum in Canada. For a brief, glorious moment, Platinum Blonde were major stars on the Canadian scene. Which illustrates again how subjective I am in choosing these albums. I would consider this record to be obscure and unknown, but that’s just in my experience. Given a different time and place, this was monstrously successful. Only goes to show how much I have to learn….

But the other reason I believe they weren’t more successful outside of Canada lies in a description given to the band of ‘The Canadian Duran Duran’. On reading this I’d assumed that it was because of the look, and maybe the style, but no. Most of the songs on this album could easily have been written by the Durannies. The blokes voice (I really can’t be bothered now to go and check his name. Oh, that’s a bit rude isn’t it. Hold on…. It’s Mark Holmes) even sounds like Simon Le Bon. And there’s the rub. Did the world really need two Duran Durans? I think not. So outside of Canda (where I assume their homegrown status helped enormously), they were pretty much redundant.

It seems that they keep plodding on, and there are interesting photos showing the band playing on a small stage outside the Hard Rock Cafe in Ottawa to about 12 people and a dog in 1999. And not a mullet in sight.

Oh, and I forgot Alanis Morissette, though I think that probably only adds to my argument.

Tracks

Side 1

1.Situation Critical
2. Crying Over You
3.Red Light
4. It Ain’t Love Anyway
5. Somebody Somewhere

Side 2

1. Lost In Space
2.Temple Of the New Born
3. Holy Water
4. Animal
5.Hungry Eyes

Final score:

5 out of 10 – not bad, not good, not original, not my cup of tea

Label / Cat. No: K-Tel INTL ONE1167
First Released: 1982

What The Album Blurb Says…

An Album to help you take shape and have fun while you’re doing it.

Exercising to your favourite music has proved to be one of the most successful and enjoyable ways of keeping fit.

Feel better and look good.

Keep Fit and Dance is precisely what it says. This album will give you a range of exercises you can do easily in your own home – either by yourself or with your friends or family.

The dance steps are fun to work out and you’ll find when you’ve learned them you can use them to very good effect in the disco or at parties.

One word of advice – don’t overdo it! Gradually build up the exercises as you feel fitter and more supple. Only do what you feel capable of doing.

Enjoy yourself.

*If you are in any doubt about your health or ability to do these exercises, you should consult your doctor before commencing the exercises.

What I Say

1982. What a heady year that was. E.T., The Falklands ‘Conflict’, The Commodore 64, Come On Eileen, T.J. Hooker, and, most importantly, Jane Fonda’s very first ‘Workout’.

Naturally, on this side of the pond we needed to find a British answer to this American type, trying to tell us how to exercise. A home grown role model to knock Hanoi Jane into a cocked hat. Who had the necessary gravitas, the long history of keep fit and the engaging personality to take on the future heavyweight of workout videos? Peter Powell, will you please step forward.

Yes, Peter Powell. that Peter Powell. It’s sad to think that a man who was once one of our most highly regarded radio stars will forever be remembered as the man who married, and was left by, Anthea Turner…

…but we won’t dwell on his marriage mistakes when we have this record in front of us. Oh no, we’ll focus on his career ones. I think the problem here is that ‘generally being a bit matey’ isn’t quite enough to compel people to start exercising. There is no authority from the man – he cajoles in a quaintly cheesy way, but there’s no way you’re going to listen to him and think,”oh, well I’d better start exercising then”. No presence, you see.

Equally, I’m not convinced that Peter Powell at this point had ever been anywhere near a gym. His photo on the cover of him in a sweatshirt and wearing a towel casually round his shoulders isn’t enough to convince me that he’s a regular aerobics aficionado.

Speaking of which, it’s interesting that this album (which only achieved number 13 on the British album charts for just the one week) was also released in America. Taking on La Fonda on her own turf, eh? I have no idea how well it did, but there is one interesting addition to the album:-

…it features the words ‘Aerobic Dance Program’ on the cover. Clearly the word ‘Aerobic’ hadn’t made it to the UK at that point, but was a major selling point in the USA.

Anyway, as I was saying, I have no belief whatsoever that Peter Powell had even thought about joining a gym before this album, so his sports clothes and fake involvement annoy all the more. He’s clearly in a sound booth, probably sitting in a nice comfy chair, telling the listeners ‘I know it hurts’ and then scoffing like a schoolgirl into his sleeve. The barrage of ‘terrific’s and ‘great’s really…. grates. The whole thing is so contrived.

See, at least with a video, you can see that the instructor / celebrity is actually doing the workout, and therefore has some kind of a bond with you. Having just a disembodied voice which, for all you know could be sat within reaching distance of a plate of doughnuts and a trifle, just doesn’t inspire.

To make up for this lack of visuals, there is a free poster included which demonstrates all the moves that you should know for complete involvement with this record. Is it Peter himself, photographed in the various stages of exercise? No it sodding isn’t. It’s the same leotard-clad lovely who graces the cover in a range of clothes and hairstyles to try and convince us that K-Tel weren’t so cheap that they would only pay for one model.

I’m not sure how helpful the static images are in getting you to do the right exercises, but here are the moves to the first routine.

All in all I found this record fairly confusing. I’ve never indulged in ‘keep fit’ products in my life, and if this is in any way representative, then there’s no chance of me ever getting involved. The instructions are confusing, they come too fast, Peter, for all his DJ skills seems to have little sense of rhythm or timing and the whole thing just seems a bit rushed. I imagine the results of trying this at home would be akin to something from the golden age of ‘The Generation Game’.

I know we all need to exercise in these post-holiday girth-widening times, but take it from me, this album is not your friend.

As a final point, as the songs are secondary, with the exception of the ‘Can-Can’ which demonstrates the bizarre pace, nasty matiness and general weirdness of this album, the soundclips are just some of my favourite Peter Powellisms from this record. I’m sure they’ll become your favourites too.

Tracks

Side 1

1. The Shakedown (‘Use It Up and Wear It Out’) – A general warm up and de-tenser. A preparation for the exercises to come.
2. Firming The Body (‘Isn’t She Lovely’) – Firming exercise for the stomach and thighs.
3. Firming The Legs (‘Physical’) – Leg kicks and ‘bicycles’ for firm shapely legs.
4. Body Stretches (‘Body Talk’) – Let’s tone up some of those muscles that don’t get used too often.
5. Looseners (‘Ai No Corrida’) – You’ll be amazed what you can do with just the back of a chair for support!
6. Troublespots (‘Young and Beautiful’) – Waist, bottom, bust – you know the spots that need a little extra attention.

Side 2

1.The Energiser (‘Hooked on a Can Can’ – specially edited version) – A lighthearted track to ‘get some energy into your body’ – when you’re feeling very fit, play this track twice!
2. Absolute Collapse (‘The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face’) – Rest for a few moments after the exertion of the last track and take a few deep breaths.

Now learn four simple dance sequences:-

3. The Strut (‘D.I.S.C.O.)
4. The Wrap (‘Celebration’)
5. The Rotor (‘Cuba’)
6. The Slice (‘Hands up’)
7. Danceability (‘Dance Yourself Dizzy’) Put all the steps together and enjoy yourself.

8. Relaxation (‘The Canon Suite’) – After the exercises a special time put aside for you to relax your body and mind.

Straight Into It
I Know It Hurts
Terrific!
Legs Apart
That’s Good
The Bicycle
Now You’re Strutting
Don’t Panic

Final score:

3.25 out of 10

Label / Cat. No: Telstar STAR 2293
First Released: 1986

What The Album Blurb Says…

None, sadly. I’ve never thought about why or when the sales pitch on the back of record sleeves declined, but I doubt you’d find many from about 1983 onwards. Are we too knowing now to be swayed by hyperbole from paid critics? Is music so compartmentalised into tiny sub-divisions of genre that we can’t just buy a ‘jazz’ album or a ‘swing’ album, and have a fair chance of enjoying it?

Or was it simply that people got wise to the fact that the glowing praise plastered across the back of almost every album bore little or no relation to the contents of the disc?

Maybe my new year resolution should be to form a pressure group to advocate the reinstatement of album blurb.

Or maybe not.

What I Say

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. I had really wanted to enjoy this album. After all, I do have a real affection for Chas & Dave. And Christmas. I quite like Christmas too. Put them together, and you should have a winner, and yet this combination is so much less than the sum of its parts.

As far as I can make out, there are three elements that should make up this record. The Cockney musical stylings of Messrs Charles and David, the traditional brass ensemble of the Cambridge Heath Salvation Army Band, and a number of good old fashioned carols. Put them together in any combination and you’re onto a sure fire, 24-carat gold winner. Surely there can be no doubt, and yet…

This is probably best explained through the medium of the Venn diagram. Allow me, if you will…

What saddens me is that this is a missed opportunity, a fudge if you will. Chas & Dave are (despite initial impressions) talented musicians. After all, Chas was taught to play piano by Jerry Lee Lewis. They’ve been sampled by Eminem, and covered by Tori Amos on more than one occasion. These boys have the potential to compete at a world-class standard. Their ‘Cockney Rock’ or ‘Rockney’ as I believe they call it, is a distinct style which deserves its place in the English Folk-Music pantheon.

But this isn’t a ‘Rockney’ album. It’s a Salvation Army album with a bit of Dave’s Bass Guitar over the top of traditional brass band arrangements, and a bit of pub-rock drumming for good measure. Nothing more.

I suppose that Chas & Dave fans would buy the album because it’s got Chas & Dave on it, and Salvation Army fanatics (of which I’m sure there must be a few, though I wouldn’t like to imagine Salvation Army Band groupies) won’t be too alarmed by what is a fairly traditional Carol with Chas Hodges gruff vocals replacing those of the more traditional angelic choirboy. If it came to punch up, my money would be on Chas & Dave over Aled Jones any day.

This is not to say that there isn’t some value in this album. Firstly, I’m intrigued by the cartoon character cover. This isn’t the only Chas & Dave album that’s been done in cartoon style. Was this part of a mid-80s ploy to try and create a Chas & Dave animated series? Can you imagine how redundant the Simpson’s would have been had we been graced with ‘The Adventures of Chas & Dave’? It’s not too late, people. Together we can make this happen.

And there are moments of sheer oddity – Chas & Dave, the beer-swilling terrors of the East End singing medieval yuletide songs? Listen to Coventry Carol, and you’ll see what I mean – we’re only short of a couple of ‘Hey Nonny Nonnies’ and we’d be laughing. And that gives me an idea. ‘The Time Travelling Adventures of Chas & Dave’. It would be like Dr. Who, but with a pair of lovable Cockneys, solving problems through time and space with a knees-up round the old joanna. Really. Write to the BBC and demand that your license fee is used to commission this programme.

And just once or twice you can tell the boys are just itching to bash the piano keys and stomp their feet. The bass gets a bit more twitchy, Chas’ vocals start to run away with him, but we never quite achieve the breakthrough. The first part of ‘Good Christian Men Rejoice’ is pure Chas & Dave, and it works precisely because the Salvation Army keep their horns shut. When they do come in, they’re so low in the mix, I can’t help but wonder if the sound engineer on this album shared my misgivings. I was waiting for ‘The Rocking Carol’ to really see the boys let their hair down, but sadly it’s just a Carol with the refrain ‘We will rock you, rock you, rock you’ referring to the baby Jesus, rather than in a Queen way.

But my favourite part of the whole album is the very last song, ‘We Three Kings’. During the introduction, I’m pretty sure the drummer is so distracted, that he’s actually playing ‘Delilah’ by Tom Jones. Listen to it – you’ll see exactly what I mean. But it’s a shame I had to listen through 21 poor songs to find that gem.

So, a missed opportunity all round. Sad, but probably predictable. Which pretty much sums me up too!

And as an extra treat (and by way of an education to my overseas readers who probably don’t have the first clue what I’m blithering about), please find below a master-class in the Cockney style of music. Merry Christmas Everyone.

Tracks

Side 1

1. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
2. Unto Us A Child Is Born
3. While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks
4. Long Long Ago
5. Good King Wenceslas Looked Out
6. Coventry Carol
7. Wassail Song
8. O Little Town Of Bethlehem
9. Hark The Herald Angels Sing
10. Good Christian Men Rejoice

11. Silent Night

Side 2

1. O Come All Ye Faithful
2. See Amid The Winter Snow
3. Yes Jesus Loves Me
4. It Came Upon The Midnight Clear
5. The Rocking Carol
6. In The Bleak Midwinter
7. The First Noel
8. Once In Royal David City
9. Away In A Manger
10. We Three Kings

Final score:

4 out of 10