Label / Cat. No: Stereo Gold Award MER 336
First Released: 1971

What The Album Blurb Says…

Here’s a dance party with two favourite ingredients – the great, nostalgic sounds of Glenn Miller and hit songs by The Beatles.

These sweet and swinging arrangements were written by Bill Holcombe (an old T. Dorsey sideman), who has taken these British bred hits and written the inimitable Glenn Miller style around them.

The Hiltonaires under the baton of Stan Reynolds are joined by the vocal stylings (a la Modernaires) of Tony Mansell and his group.

Here’s big band at its best – with familiar hit songs.

What I Say

I apologise for going highbrow for a moment, but Samuel Johnson once wrote of women preachers, “Sir, a woman’s preaching is like a dog’s walking on his hinder legs. It is not done well; but you are surprised to find it done at all.” If the great Dr. Johnson were alive today, I am convinced that he would have felt the same way about this album. Well, maybe ‘convinced’ is putting it a bit strongly, but I can understand this attitude entirely when applied to ‘the big band beat of the Hiltonaires’.

Come with me for a moment into the future. The year is 2013, and someone decides to release an album of Coldplay songs performed in the Mel & Kim style. There’d be uproar, rioting in the streets and possibly the end of civilization as we know it. But back in 1971 this kind of evil alchemy was not just thinkable, it was actually happening.

It’s of little surprise then that this was released on the ‘Stereo Gold Award’ label. To be fair, I was as much drawn to this album by the very fact that it was a Stereo Gold Award offering as I was by the fine bevy of 1970s lovelies on the cover. You may recall that Stereo Gold Award have already given us Big Dave who I exposed as a fraud and a charlatan. It seems that the label was owned by a chancer who just made cheap, cash-in rubbish, and this album certainly fits into that category.

There’s just so much wrong with this album it’s difficult to know where to begin. Well, for a start I’m confused as to why they actually included some Glenn Miller / Big Band tunes. After all, the album’s called ‘Dance to the Beatles Hits…) Does that mean you have to stop dancing when Moonlight Serenade comes on? It’s preposterous I tell you. Is this a Beatles album? Is this a Glenn Miller album? Frankly I’m confused, and I suspect it shows.

And then there’s the fact that these are two entirely different genres of music that simply do not fuse well together. I accept wholeheartedly the fact that the Beatles, and in particular Lennon & McCartney wrote classic, timeless songs which can withstand reinterpretation and have been covered, reasonably successfully many thousands of times. Which then begs the question how did they make these Beatles songs sound so crap.

I think the answer lies in the fact that the Hiltonaires (or at least Bill Holcombe’s arrangements) concentrate on the style rather than the substance of the song. There is no sensitivity to the mood or the lyrics of the Beatles numbers, it seems to have been rattled off a checklist of Big Band stylistic hooks regardless of the order or original speed of the songs.

The very worst culprit (if you can get past ‘Hey Jude’ without waves of nausea welling up) is the butchering of ‘Let It Be’. Not only does this start with the most awful Barbershop Quartet style prologue, but is the possessor of possibly the worst guitar solo ever, both in tone and tune. Really, it’s that bad. Just listen. See? There’s 20 seconds you’re never having back.

I didn’t expect to enjoy this album, and I wasn’t disappointed. In the past I’ve commented that the brevity of an album often makes up for its awfulness. Not in this case. It may only be 24 minutes long, but you try sticking cocktail sticks in your thighs for 24 minutes, and believe me, it will seem like an eternity. This is the aural equivalent.

The good news however is that this isn’t the last Stereo Gold Award album in my collection. Let joy be unconfined!

Tracks

Side 1

1. Moonlight Serenade
2. Something
3. I Want To Hold Your Hand
4. Michelle
5. Bird Cage Walk
6. Londonderry Air

Side 2

1. Hey Jude
2. Let It Be
3. Yesterday
4. Diamond Rock
5. A Hard Day’s Night

Final score:

1 out of 10 – for using the term ‘vocal stylings’ unselfconsciously.

Label / Cat. No: Sacred SAC 5061
First Released: 1972

What The Album Blurb Says…

For a number of years now Jim Roberts and Norma Zimmer have provided moments of unusual enjoyment for millions of Americans. In the world of pure entertainment, longevity is synonymous with popular response. Norma and Jim have been premier performers for many years now courtesy of us, the American people, and Lawrence Welk. Mr. Welk ultimately decides who the performers will be; we feel his choice is just right!

This is the third album by Norma and Jim. Their style of singing seems perfectly matched – it’s as comfortable as a pair of gloves. they blend beautifully singing some of the most popular gospel songs of the day – and some songs that are ageless. HIS NAME IS WONDERFUL is a favourite and is performed by mass choirs around the world. thank you Audrey Mieir, for the inspiration with which you’ve graced the world! I wonder how often BEYOND THE SUNSET has been sung, played, whistled, and used as a source of comfort since Virgil Brock first penned the lovely lyric some years ago. You will enjoy having this recording in your home.

The performances of hymns on TV by Jim and Norma have opened a door that has given many additional thousands an opportunity to hear them in person; in hymn festivals, in concerts, as solo performers in Billy Graham Crusades, and in churches everywhere.

the creative arrangements on this album are by Buryl Red. Mr. Red is gifted in many areas of music, one of which is the art of arranging. you will also hear his lovely song entitled HIS GENTLE LOOK.

KURT KAISER

What I Say

I know, I know. When I bought this album I had a tiny sliver of hope that this was going to actually be about somebody called ‘Wonderful’. You know, in the same vein as ‘A boy named Sue’. I mean, there are some unusual names about. I once knew someone called Zachariah Puddlechuck, and that would make a great name for an album – ‘His Name Is Zachariah Puddlechuck’. But no, with crushing inevitability, this turned out to be an album of Christian songs, extolling the virtue of some chap name of Jesus. Or Wonderful. I’m still not sure which.

The sleeve notes warrant a bit of a further look. Firstly, longevity is apparently synonymous with popular response, apparently. Well look at Cliff Richard for a start. He’s been around since the Pilgrim Fathers, and who wants to listen to his records? Oh yes, my Mother-in-Law. Alright then, maybe Jonathan King would be a better example. There’s a man who is pretty much universally unpopular but who won’t stop making his bloody songs.

Also, who is the Lawrence Welk character who stands head and shoulders above the American People then? Well, you can see for yourself, but seeing as this was released by London label, and I’ve managed to go 37 years without ever hearing his name even casually mentioned before, I’m prepared to stick my neck out and say that that’s going to be pretty meaningless to a lot of Brits. Apologies of course to all those people better informed and educated than I…

However, I am most concerned by the line ‘You will enjoy having this recording in your home’. Is it me, or does that sound more like a command than a recommendation. Maybe it’s the Teutonic tone of Kurt Kaiser’s comment that scare the living bewonderful out me, but I’m scared. I’m scared because I have that album in my home, and I didn’t (and don’t) enjoy it. Will Mr. Kaiser come round in the dead of night, drag me off, and leave me bound and gagged and listening to his sacred music compositions. I sincerely hope not.

The music sounds like a grown-up Elaine & Derek – a collection of sweet Christian tunes which all merge into one. I’ve always found that Christian music tends to err on the side of dull. Actually, there’s a challenge for you – are there any Christian music albums that won’t bore me to tears? A prize for anyone who can find one. Anyway, as I was saying, this album features 9 samey songs.

Ah, but I hear you cry, “but there are 10 songs on this album, surely”. Well, yes there are. Just as you think you can’t take any more sweetness, side two starts with ‘Sweet, Sweet Spirit’. This song has A COUNTRY TWANG. Not enough to be exciting or offensive, of course, but just enough to lift the tedium. It was at this point that I thought that this might yet have some saving grace – a sub-Carpenters kitsch that might just make this album worth something to me.

But it wasn’t to be.

All too quickly it sank back into the banal. I mean, yes, their voices are fine, the arrangements are a bit saccharine for my tastes and seem to my untrained ears to be somewhere between Andrew Lloyd Webber and Disney soundtracks. But it’s all soooooo bland.

There is however one very positive point about this album. It clocks in at just under 28 minutes. I tell you, I’ll never have that half hour back again, but I was far more in the mood after it to thank Wonderful, if only for not having made the album a double.

Tracks

Side 1

1. His Name Is Wonderful
2. Every Moment Of Every Day
3. He Lifted Me
4. When I Kneel Down To Pray
5. I Would Be Like Jesus

Side 2

1. Sweet, Sweet Spirit
2. His Gentle Look
3. Take Up Thy Cross
4. He Touched Me
5. Beyond The Sunset

Final score:

2 out of 10

Label / Cat. No: BBC Records & Tapes REC 284
First Released: 1977

What The Album Blurb Says…

I say “enjoy your slimming” because it is much more successful if you do. It is a bore to be forever worrying about strict diets and complicated calorie counting. It can be just a simple “way of life”. Regular exercise and sensible eating will keep your weight where you want it. It works for both men and women, as my husband could tell you. Cut down on fats, starches and sugars, exercise regularly and you are on the way. To help you to select the non-fattening foods there are two lists. Plan your meals around the first and try to avoid the second. Don’t deny yourself all the foods you really like even if they are on the fattening list because this way leads to tension and you won’t enjoy your slimming. Just reduce the quantities and include small amounts in a balanced eating programme.

For a really spectacular loss of weight, say six to seven stone, then I would suggest group therapy – Silhouette Slimming Club have wonderful results, which I have seen for myself, that is why I sought their advice with this album for those of us who wish to lose a lesser amount and to stay slim throughout our lives.

Don’t forget the bathroom scales, these play a major part in our slimming plan. Decide on a reasonably weight for you height and work for that. I find at 5ft 2 1/2ins, eight and a half stone is about right and easy to hold, but bone structure can make a difference of several pounds. Weigh yourself once a week minus clothes and look for a gradual but steady weight loss – 2lbs a week adds up to nearly four stone in six months. Don’t be disappointed if after losing weight at first – nothing happens for a time. This is quite normal while the body adjust to its new exercise and sensible eating pattern. But watch that fattening list! My own personal best hints are these: BUY THE RIGHT FOODS. If you have got them in the house you will eat them. If you haven’t you will eat what is there, and they may be on the wrong list!

Finally, get out and walk. Carry nothing but yourself but carry yourself well – and don’t worry. If you slip up today, there is always tomorrow.

Best Wishes,

Eileen Fowler

SLIMMING FROM THE MAN’S POINT OF VIEW

In a man’s world a light-hearted approach to slimming is more likely to be successful than serious denial, as sensible eating and exercise are not usually his favourite subjects. he will joke about being overweight while fully realising the importance of keeping it down. Long hours spent sitting in an office chair or other sedentary occupations tend to tire the brain and exhaust the body, leaving him disinclined to take kindly to anything but the food and drink he likes in order to relax.

The pace of life today with its attendant stresses and strains can have a lasting effect on the way we look and feel and it’s essential to counteract this in the best way we can. If overweight and the ensuing lack of vitality and energy is a problem , what better way than to Enjoy Your Slimming. Near starvation and tiring work-outs are out of date, and the more relaxed and healthy way to combat spreading and tension is in. It’s a question of application. When eating out, study the menu carefully and choose as far as possible according to the suggestions given on List 1. If you really want Ma’s apple pie, have it – not too much and not too often, and you won’t feel deprived. of course you will want a drink, but the odd tomato juice can be useful. Drink, if and when you need it – or the occasion demands.

Figurewise – take a look at these diagrams and cut this exercise bogey down to size. concentrate on two areas – chest/shoulders and back for good posture, and you will never walk head first, but stay straight and tall. Work on the tummy muscles for control and you will look and feel better. try the following three exercises – Side 1. The Wall Game, Hairpin Bend and Arm Circling, Touch Toe. With a bit of help from the family regarding food, you will be slimmer and fitter and it’s quite painless.

What I Say

I have this indistinct memory of seeing black and white footage from the early 50s of pert young girls in pointy bras and gym knickers doing healthy, wholesome exercises – presumably to keep them sound of morals and fit for whichever young buck they might marry, settle down with and make a home for. Assuming that this isn’t just some figment of my fevered imagination, the work presented here by Eileen Fowler would be the perfect soundtrack to such a film.

Eileen is a no-nonsense woman. Oh, she seems friendly enough with her occasional chuckles and chummy manner, but the authority in her voice commands you to follow her instructions immediately and to the letter. There’s a schoolma’am quality that marks her out for an ideal P.E. teacher in Malory Towers.

It turns out though that Eileen was a very sensible woman who spent her life crusading to get people fitter and eating more healthily. Perhaps it is this campaigning zest which fires the authority I mentioned. Yet that is forgiveable when you realise that what she’s trying to do is improve people’s lives. If there had been more people spreading Eileen’s message a bit earlier, we might not be facing the supposed ‘obesity crisis’. What’s more important is that we might have been spared endless fitness DVDs of pneumatic ‘lovelies’ in lycra.

This album clearly focuses on the exercises – simple things that you can do at home. No equipment is needed, just a willingness to obey Eileen’s commands at a moments notice. She whizzes through the exercises, and leaves it a bit late with the instructions. I have to admit, I haven’t actually tried any of the exercises, not least because I know that a combination of my unco-ordinatedness and her late instructions would lead to an unsightly tangle. However, this isn’t just about exercise. We are handily presented with two lists in the sleeve notes – food to eat lots of and food to avoid where possible. Unsurprisingly, the former is full of fruit, vegetables, fish and Ryvita whole-grain (OK, that last bit’s a lie, but you get the picture), and the latter list seems to be a foretelling of my diet – chocolate, fried foods, biscuits, alcohol, and really anything that makes life worth living.

I would have assumed that this was common knowledge, even in 1977, but I really don’t know. But that’s the main feature of this record – it seems anachronistic, even for such unenlightened times as the late seventies. If this album had been produced in 1954 it would seem perfectly natural, but to think that it was produced in my lifetime makes it seem alien. To be fair, this record was a tie-in with Eileen’s series of the same name on Radio 4’s “Today” programme. I suspect that those listening to Radio 4 in 1977 thought it was still 1954.

As with that Peter Powell exercise album, it’s hard to pick out any individual tracks, so instead I’ve compiled just a few of my favourite soundclips. I’m very pleased to know how to avoid a ‘Dowager’s Hump’ thanks to Eileen’s sound advice. Now, can anyone tell me what a Dowager’s Hump actually is?

Tracks

Side 1

1. The “Wall Game” For A Slimming Stretch
2. “Hairpin Bend” For Tummy Muscles
3. “Circle Touch Toe” For Arms, Chest, Shoulders and Back.
4. Sequence – Repeat all three exercises linking them together

Side 2

1. See Saw Stretch For Waistline And Knees
2. “Roll And Reach” For Tummy, Seat And Hips
3. “Rolling Pin Roll” To Fine Down Your Figure (sic)
4. Sequence – Repeat all three exercises linking them together and improvising to the extra music

Sound Clips

Welcome
March
Is Your Right Knee Ready?
That’s What I’m After
Dowager’s Hump
Do What Now?

Final score:

1954 out of 10